Traffic – Spongebob will be the weapon of choice

You’ve missed the best bits.

Go back to the previous post. Come on, you’ve got the time, it’s late and you’re bored.

Look back around your shoulder, (slowly, if life partners are  startled they might attack) . Inform the significant other that visiting my site isn’t against the law, at least until the litigation starts. Only a matter of time really, but until then you shouldn’t feel guilty. At least no more guilty than that time you slowed down to see an accident at the side of the road.

And if you have, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Johannesburg traffic is horrific. If you live in Los Angeles or London you have my deepest, deepest sympathy, but here in Africa it’s a dog eat dog world, survival of the fittest played out at 20 km’s an hour during the rush.

In these circumstances I feel it my civic duty to issue a public service announcement.

Here it is, for Johannesburg drivers – I’m warning you, if you slow down around blue lights, traffic cones, ambulances or fat men in official uniforms then I’ll be gunning for you. Watch out for the man in the Toyota with a glint in his eye, I’ll either be waiting for you at the next offramp with a baseball bat. Man or woman you’re at the mercy of congestion and my mood.

In fact your fate might depend on what’s on sale at the intersection. You might well be greeted with a genteel tap on the window by a slightly rotund, disturbingly smiley, gently vibrating man in his middle ages with a sampling of instant glue, a Spongebob Squarepants kite and a selection of fliers concerning tire prices, these items can be used in a variety of interesting / disturbing ways.

The baseball bat depends on mood, season and highway delays.

The end result might be horrific.  The glue alone is going to require a trip to the clinic and sharp medically orientated instruments. Your children are going to need psychiatric care to erase the idea of where Spongebob comes from. God, they’re going to need more in depth counseling about sponges in general. The bat might require surgical removal. you are going to have, in the words of Bill Bryson ‘a severe disinclination to boogy’ for quite a while.

So, don’t be a dick, just drive on.

But back to the blog, sorry,

If there’s a significant other in sight, then tell them your visit to this site is for purposes of research ( if you mail me I’ll even supply a subject – “the effect of recreational internet usage on today’s corporate executive”). I’ll even supply stats  if you think it’s worth a giggle.

If  he / she’s got a sense of humour then tell him / her to comment on this post, God knows I need all the help I can get.

If she’s  (let’s be honest, I only put the he/she in the previous paragraph in the hope of attracting female visitors through a PC attitude, if you’re a woman, send pics) caught you surfing for porn (I’m working on it) then reply in the comments and I’ll take the rap.

Read on. I promise to finish the fishing story. It just seems to take a bit longer in print than it does over a couple of beers.

Until the next entry.

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