Scuttle, scuttle… WHIRLING CLAWS OF DEATH!

Now you know that you’ve crushed the odd cockroach before, you’ve chatted to your kids about the sanctity of life and you’ve saved the odd moth.

But when it comes to invertebrates (no backbone – the research I do on your behalf), they fall neatly into three camps in my opinion; the cute and attractive (butterfly’s), the educational (silkworms) or the bowel clenchingly horrifying, (i.e. the rest / anything that scuttles around in a cave and attracts people like David Attenborough).

Now, lobsters are invertebrates and Crustaceans to boot  and no matter what every TV chef says they are are cockroaches, bottom feeding, seagoing cockroaches.

The first person to eat one must have been desperate or clinically insane (probably the same guy who first looked at an oyster and thought ‘hmmm, looks like snot, but I wonder what it tastes like?). They’re the most horrible looking things in the world, but yummy and some people don’t like to hurt their feelings, or use old school methods the help them shuffle off this mortal coil and onto the dinner plate.

Just read on.

Don’t boil a lobster, give it a zap instead

By BILL POWER Business Reporter

Thu. Nov 19 – 4:46 AM
A company in the United Kingdom is about to lift the lid on a device that zaps lobster with electricity to kill them, and the inventor said Wednesday his humane alternative to boiling is about to give the entire industry a jolt.

British entrepreneur Simon Buckhaven said the CrustaStun system, developed over the past decade by his company Studham Technologies Limited, near London, kills the lobster with an electric charge, so the crustacean feels no “pain or distress.”

“I am entirely aware this product will be greeted at first with some skepticism among people in the lobster industry in Eastern Canada and northeastern United States,” said Mr. Buckhaven, of what he called the world’s first crustacean stunner.

But he said the animal rights movement in Europe and the United States is gaining traction by protesting the traditional method of killing a lobster in boiling water, prior to serving it with melted lemon or garlic butter. for further information.

This is perhaps the most ridiculous application of environmentally friendly bunny hugging technology I’ve ever come across. There has got to be a better (and more entertaining) alternative.

And now my friend meet your nemesis, the butter knife of DOOM!

Apply your mind people, life’s short and entertainment costly.

That said I’d be first in line to buy an Xbox version of ‘lobster fight unlimited’. I’d choose the coconut crab, his character would be called Scuttler McCrush and his finishing move would be the Whirling Dervish Claws of Pain (Trade Mark pending).

And you’d be forced to choose the shrimp, and I’d OWN you.

Let the battle commence

If Microsoft is interested I’d like to offer my services to project manage the game implementation, on the condition that I get to eat the other consultants afterwards (I’ll supply my own lemon and butter).

I must admit if something like this crawled into my room at 4.30 I’d crap myself, jump up on the bed, grab the nightlight, aim for the antenna and have a heart attack, all within three seconds  (TaDaaah).

For the love of God get it off me

I have experience, living in Johannesburg has provided me with some interesting insect encounters and the reflexes of a caffeine addicted Ninja.

Why hello there, I sense you’re having a good night’s sleep, let’s work on that together

Good night and good luck.


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