I’d like to wish the loyal readers of this blog (both of you) all the best for 2010, may your life be blessed with happiness and good health and may your loved one’s be held close and safe.
I feel fairly confident that at the Southern end of Africa we’re going to enter the new decade with a renewed sense of hope that the difficulties of the past years will be put behind us.
The situation is very different if you live in a large South American city.
A Toronto psychic known as Nikki has made headlines and raised eyebrows with her prediction that giant bats will attack a South American city sometime within the next ten years.
Now I know that there’s lot of good stuff that comes out of South America, the Carnival in Rio, Capybaras (giant rodents that are said to taste really good), great beef and the golden sands and bronzed asses of Ipanema. But I’d like to put forward the theory that there are few things that would do more for the badly dented moral of the world’s population than the sight of Rio’s police force doing battle with giant bats.
Bear with me. During the decade of the 90’s the world has been faced by terrorism, Swine Flu, Avian Influenza, global economic downturn, war in the Middle East, Michael Moore and the latest installment of Terminator.
We could all do with some light entertainment.
Imagine if you will riot policeman ducking for cover while scantily clad Brazilian beach beauty’s run jiggling into the foyers of luxury hotels and cower behind fake palms while huge leathery flying monstrosities batter themselves senseless against the panoramic windows. Taxi’s veering off the road into the Rio marina and Japanese tourists excitedly storing up images for the next round of sushi and saki holiday snap dinners with the in laws (“and there’s young Hoshi being carried off over the bay, he had to swim for shore and it must have taken him, oh ages, before the coast guard were able to get to him and pry his foot loose.”).
Real image – although the riot gear has been updated since the first sighting in the 1800’s
An excitable Brazilian Police Chief would be screaming ‘to the bat cave!’ in front of a bleached blonde, serious looking and plastic surgery enhanced CNN reporter.
Serious looking scientific types would expound on theories involving the destruction of the rain forest, nuclear contagion and global warming. While above them the leathery winged minions of the apocalypse would wheel twittering and tweeting, caught in the spotlights as they hunt down panicked bankers and insurance salesmen caught short as evening falls and they leave their favourite bar or strip club. Anti aircraft fire would light up the night and F16’s would weave across the backdrop of Rio’s Sugarloaf Mountain.
We would all sit transfixed in front of our television sets, the worries of the 90’s forgotten, collapsing ice sheets and economic downturn be dammed.
Once the immediate danger was over, the environmental doom mongers could be more gainfully employed in finding new homes for Vampiras Giganticus and we could all go about our daily business knowing that for once everyone wins. The environmentalists and Western governments could stop wasting taxpayer money on trips to Copenhagen, the bunny huggers would have a new cause that didn’t involve air headed Hollywood actors (barring a real life adaptation involving Will Smith) and the average man in the street would have been provided with entertainment that didn’t involve a 20 Dollar box of popcorn and sticky cinema seats.
Environmentalist with immature giant bat – frankly, annoying the young of this species is probably where the problem will start
In Africa, during the dry season we pray for rain. My advice to the people of South America is pray for bats. There’s probably a movie deal in it somewhere.
Anyway, this decade should be full of excitement and challenges. I wish you well for the new year and to the good people South of Mexico I’d stock up on canned goods, mineral water and shotgun shells. Also keep the windows closed.
Next up…..
Pool snails. The solution to 21st century pool care coming soon to you. The holiday season has given the inhabitants of Mallach World Headquarters plenty of time for carefull, considered thought to the problems facing humanity. Or it could have been the Absinthe.
Lumpyproletariat 